Wednesday Witticisms, Information on Driving

[Ratickle]

Redneck Drivers Test

Pleez compleet this paper, best ya can.


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Last name: ________________
First name: [_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

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Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)

Sex: [_]M [_]F [_]None

Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

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Occupation: [_] Farmer [_] Waitress
[_] Mechanic [_] Dirty Politician
[_] Hair Dresser [_] Un-employed

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Spouse's Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________
Lover's Name: __________________________
2nd Lover's Name: __________________________

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Relationship with spouse: [_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle
[_] Mother [_] Father
[_] Son [_] Cousin
[_] Daughter [_] Pet

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Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___

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Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________

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Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
If you obtained a higher education what was your
major?
[_] 5th grade [_] 6th grade

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Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?

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Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

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Age you started drivin ______ (If over 10 are you
are still slow lerrnin ? [_] Yes [_] No)

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Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ kitchen
____ bedroom
____ bathroom/outhouse
____ shed
____ pawnshop

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Model and year of your pickup: _________ 194_
Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:

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Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer
[_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide
[_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun
[_] Bassmasters

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___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

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How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable

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How many teeth in YOUR mouth? ___
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow
[_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown
[_] Black
[_] N/A

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Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[_] Red-Man
[_] Skoal

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How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] don't know

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[Ratickle]

Where A Driver Is From
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One hand on wheel,
one hand on horn:
CHICAGO
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One hand on wheel,
middle finger out window:
NEW YORK
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One hand on wheel,
middle finger out window,
cutting across all lanes of traffic:
NEW JERSEY
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One hand on wheel,
one hand on newspaper,
foot solidly on accelerator
BOSTON
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One hand on wheel,
one hand on nonfat
double decaf cappuccino,
cradling cell phone,
brick on accelerator,
gun in lap:
LOS ANGELES
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Both hands on wheel,
eyes shut,
both feet on brake,
quivering in terror:
OHIO,
but driving in
CALIFORNIA
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Both hands in air,
gesturing,
both feet on accelerator,
head turned to talk to
someone in back seat:
ITALY
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One hand on 12oz. double shot latte,
one knee on wheel,
cradling cell phone,
foot on brake,
mind on radio game,
banging head on steering wheel
while stuck in traffic:
SEATTLE
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One hand on wheel,
one hand on hunting rifle,
alternating between both feet
being on the accelerator
and both feet on brake,
throwing McDonald's
bag out the window:
TEXAS
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Four-wheel drive pick-up truck,
shotgun mounted in rear window,
beer cans on floor,
squirrel tails attached to antenna:
OKLAHOMA
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Two hands gripping wheel,
blue hair barely
visible above windshield,
driving 35 on the Interstate
in the left lane
with the left blinker on:
FLORIDA
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[Ratickle]

Insurance Claims
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The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words as possible.


The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.


I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.


I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.


The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.


I thought the window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.


The indirect cause of the crash was the little guy in a small car with a big mouth.


An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car, and vanished.


A truck backed through my windshield and into my wife's face.


A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.


Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.


I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the enbankment.


In and attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.


I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached the intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.


As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.


I was on my way to the doctor with rear-end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to crash.


I told the police I was not injured, but on removing my hat, found that I had a fractured skull.


To avoid hitting the bumper in front of me, I struck the pedestrian.


My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.


The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.


I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.


I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.


The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front end..


I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentlemen as he bounced off the hood of my car.

 

[rschap1]

___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
:rofl:


No hands on the wheel
Steer with knee (kinda)
Both thumbs texting
One eye ocassionally on the road
When not dialing or typing
AMERICA (at least EVERY road I drive on)

The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.:rofl:

 

[JJ Apache]

Can I borrow your car for a short shopping trip?
I'll be back tomorrow..

 

[C35]

its scary to see what the average american writes on a job app. we used to love hiring. wed get dozens coming in and filling out the apps. we'd sit around later and read them. we laughed so hard at some of the stuff theyd write it actually hurt.

 

[C35]

No hands on the wheel
Steer with knee (kinda)
Both thumbs texting
One eye ocassionally on the road
When not dialing or typing
AMERICA (at least EVERY road I drive on)

yesterday i was sitting behind this car- light changed and they took off but didn't get much over 15. finally i went around. little old woman with gray hair barely tall enough to see over the wheel. two hand texting.

 

[Ratickle]

yesterday i was sitting behind this car- light changed and they took off but didn't get much over 15. finally i went around. little old woman with gray hair barely tall enough to see over the wheel. two hand texting.

Now that's scary.....

 

[rschap1]

I see the 2 handed texting EVERYDAY atleast a half dozen times...ON THE HIGHWAY

 

[C35]

the mrs cant drive worth a damn but insists shes the safest driver on the road. no kidding- she runs over everything in front of her. i don't think she looks past the hood or the car in front of her. I keep replacing wheels and tires and various body parts. but she uses her turn signal every time so that makes her safe and me a maniac.

i admit im guilty of text-driving but im at least very picky as to when im doing it. i drive alot and i regularly see guys with books or newspapers on the wheel. saw one guy watching tv. nuts.

 

[Bobcat]

 

[rschap1]

I once saw a guy in a Chevette playing an acoustic guitar while driving.
Anyone familiar with Grand Rapids Michigan know a stretch of busy highway as the "S" curve.
This is where I passed him.
Had to slow and double take. Sure enough, strumming and driving all at once.

 

[Ratickle]

It seems like every time I talk to Pete he's on the road and all there is are little old blue haired ladies in front of him.....


Two hands gripping wheel,
blue hair barely
visible above windshield,
driving 35 on the Interstate
in the left lane
with the left blinker on:
FLORIDA