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Texts From Last Night

(215):
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
 
(412):
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
 
(908):
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
 
(207):
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
 
(214):
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
 
(404):
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "**** you". I say it was a good party.
 
(317):
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?

(317):
all hypothetical of course
 
(480):
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
 
(303):
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
 
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